A Bag Full of Sunshine

I tend to shy away from conflicts. 

Ignoring negativity—or any variations thereof—has always been my preferred method of coping. I’ve spent the majority part of my life from when I was six years old and up until last year trying to be invisible in any situation where a conflict may arise. It’s not always easy—it takes a lot of practice. In fact, if not done correct, it can spur off even more conflicts which tend to be uglier than the original argument. Which is why to successfully ignoring a conflict, you need to be involved at first.

I’m also stubborn as hell. It’s courtesy of my two loving parents. My mom is the most achingly stubborn person I’ve ever encountered in my entire life. She’s the complete opposite of my dad who’ll run for the hills the moment there’s even the slightest hint of trouble. Over the years, their personalities have rubbed off on each other, but after over 20 years of cooperating while trying to raise six kids; it’s still easy to see who gets the last words—my mom.

Now, you may wonder why I’m telling you this, and honestly? I don’t know. Sometimes things just need to get out. This is one of those times, sadly.

In Denmark there’s a saying, which goes along the way of “I’ll agree with you, and you’ll leave me alone.” It’s a horrible translation, I know that, but it’s my dad’s attitude to plenty of things that my mom feels strongly about. She'll get it her way, and he gets peace. It’s beautiful how that works sometimes.

Unfortunately, with the mixture of my wonderful and loving parents’ genes, I’m around hundred different definitions of messed up. And while I’m being honest, I have to admit: It’s not always easy.

On one hand, I want to stand up and be vocal about the things I believe in, on the other hand, I really like my face and the permanent fake smile plastered upon it—I don’t want to jeopardize that smile. It’s what gives me the courage to be around people without cowering away in a corner, hugging myself while trying to get that smile back.

Back when I was a teenager, I met a woman who saw right through that smile. She called my bluff, and then she did the thing that shattered my very existence—she told me she knew. This woman was supposed to be a help, and for all I know, she intended to be. But she wasn’t around long enough to close that rapidly opening wound that suddenly spew doubt like it was a hot spring geyser.

So I had to start all over again. I had to learn how to be invisible again. Only problem was that I couldn’t. The foundation that I’d build my entire persona on was cracked, and it was just a matter of when it would fall to the ground and crumble. I made do by an occasional fake smile; this one not permanently plastered on my face, but instead short-term, and to compensate I had to accept the fact that sometimes I just didn’t feel like smiling.

For some reason, I managed to uphold it for an additional four years. It wasn’t until September 2011 that everything exploded around me. It was the most horrible time of my life. Only surpassed by October 12, 2001 where my grandfather died in front of me, and then buried five days later on my birthday.

However, I faced it head-on and sought help. In the span of six months, I lost everything that meant something to me while I gave up on a lot of stuff that could have meant the world to me. I didn’t want to live, but I was stubborn and refused to give in before trying for help. This meant that I had to wait, for the duration of these six months, to start what would prove to be a year of flat out personal hardships. In the time, I broke down many times. I found a way to get it out without hurting myself—the result is called “Rising Star” and can be read on wattpad.

I had a gazillion conversations, tests, surveys, and meetings with people who tried their best to figure out what was wrong with me. There were many ideas of what it could be, but it wasn’t until January 2013 that I got the result of the many tests. I was suffering from schizotypal personality disorder. In the times since then, I’ve been trying to work on this “ignoring negativity” attitude. Instead of ignoring it all together, I’ve been trying to embrace it, let it be for a moment, then try to move on to better things.

And it’s hard—it’s real fucking hard. (Pardon my French)

The internet is a big help, though. I can be in myself behind my little screen. I can turn it off if I need a breather, and then I can actually use an ignore function. It’s amazing like that. I could be safe, but open at the same time. And it led to me being more open than ever. I took a giant step and flew overseas to meet a boy that I like.

However, one thing I forgot is that the internet is the worst place for any kind of confrontation. Not only is there limited emotional connection because you can’t read body language, and misunderstanding happens every second because of a misplaced emoticon. Also, people can use the ignore function on you so you’ll never get a chance to talk it out.

I have many faults, and I’d be glad to list all of them at some point. I don’t fool myself to think I don’t have issues. I do. I have many of them. But even though I’m inadequate in plenty of ways, it’s not an excuse not to try. I will always try to be the best human I can. It’s how I was raised.

So this is me, trying to do just that. I’m trying to improve to become the version of Maja that I’d like to be. And I have a long way still. There’s going to be moments when I rant to a friend over something so unbelievable stupid that it’ll hurt to think of afterwards. There’ll be moments when I’m a broken record, clinging to my version of the truth and insist it’s the only one. There’ll be moments when I say something that’ll make me want to bury myself in a hole and never come out. And I’m not sorry for that. Because if these past years of endless emotional torture have taught me anything it’s that, at some point, it’ll be spring again, and I can come out of the deep pit I’ve hid in.

It’s not spring yet, though. And it sucks. So now I’m gonna do my thing and shy away from the confrontation because, to be honest, I don’t have it in me to be courageous right now, and without my fake smile plastered onto my face—I don’t see that happening anytime soon either. I'm not a bag full of sunshine right now. In the end, I can just hope that the people who surround me will try to understand me as I will try to understand them.